When mommy-heart hurts

I wish I could say that this is going to be an uplifting, encouraging post.  But I’m just not sure it will be.  Let me start by saying, nothing major happened.  No one died.  No one is terminally ill, and no one is fighting for their life near me.  I am not sad at the tragedy of living in this fallen world.

No, today, I am just a mom and a wife who is struggling being in the working world.  I had an amazing weekend with my little (and extended) family.  Time together refreshes my soul.  There were struggles, oh there were struggles (a broken window-ouch!) and love all wrapped up in quality time together.

My love language is quality time.  I got that this weekend.  It was a nice long weekend! So you would think my tank would be full?  right?  But instead my heart hurts.  It hurts because this is not where I wanted to be in this season my life.  It hurts because today is the first day in the last week of school for little man and he has field day today.  I can’t be there.  I am in the office all day.  I am selling insurance.  I am in a place I never asked to be.  I am grateful and thankful to the Lord for providing me the opportunity and the way He constantly provides for my family!  I am.

Today, my mommy heart hurts because I can’t be available the way I want to be.  Just one more instance in life when I have to do what is right/what is best, instead of what I want to do.

Its hard not to get lost in the “poor me’s” of it all.  Its hard not too remember longing for the “good ole days.”  You know them…the days where everything was good…but you missed it then.  The ones you knew were hard and how could you deal with anything else…but now, today.  I am dealing with something else, longing for those days again!

Its funny how life changes and how we are to change and grow with it.  That is sanctification at its finest.  Grow, change, grow, change, grow…etc…

So…I know I am not alone.  I am not the only work at home/stay at home mamma who “went back to work” or “went to work outside of the home” and wishes she was there for her kiddos.  I know I am not alone in feeling that pull from multiple directions.  Work – pull.  Husband – pull.  Kids – pull. House – pull.  dinner – pull.  Church – pull.  Service – pull.  Workout- pull.  Eat healthy – pull.  Pull.  Pull. Pull.

We are not alone!  I just have to rest in knowing that God knows what He is doing, so I don’t have to.  And trusting in His plan is my purpose!!  God Bless All!!

Believe…part two

When did you stop believing?

Again…that was the question I recently found myself asking when faced with the changing of my circumstances.  I began to wonder when I stopped believing what God had said in my life before, mainly about my call in life. [ I don’t think that I stopped believing.  I think its more a question of what level of belief I’ve held.]

Then, as I meditated on it a bit more, I wondered when/if my belief in Him and what he says had turned into disbelief.  I can SO RELATE with the father of the deaf boy in Mark 9. “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.”  I believe that statement reflects the “head belief vs. the heart belief.”

Head belief is when you know something to be true intellectually.  You’ve read it somewhere.  You’ve been told it.  You understand that it is true.

Heart belief is when you experience something and therefore know it is true.  We can also have “heart belief” when the Holy Spirit reveals something to us and we just “KNOW” that it is true deep down in our gut.  There is no explanation for it…it just is!!

1 John 3:23 says, “We must believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and love one another, just as he commanded us.”  Simple, right?  But what does it mean to “believe?”  And if I believe then what implications on my life are there?  How can we do the second thing until we get the first?

I also heard the Lord say to me recently, “The degree to which you believe me and my heart for you, is the extent to which you will believe (see) my heart for others.”

How can I begin to love others when I don’t fully believe what Jesus says; and what He says about me?

Believe as defined by dictionary.com says, “to have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so: Only if one believes in something can one act purposefully.”

To believe in something (someone) is to have confidence in the truth… without absolute proof (sounds like “heart belief” to me).  So what does this imply, if we are simply to Believe in the name of Jesus Christ?

The bible is full of references to the power in the name of Jesus.  “There is no other name by which we must be saved.  It is through Jesus and Jesus ONLY that we enter heaven.  If He is for us, who can be against us!”  And on and on and on…

So…

Implications would be: I believe Him…I behave like Him!  I like the small statement at the end of the definition, “Only if one believes in something (someone) can one act purposefully.”  How purposefully do I act in the name of Jesus?  Or do I act more like a sheep when it comes to things of the Lord?  What’s holding me back?  My disbelief?

The celebration of life I recently attended was a perfect example of a woman who simply believed Jesus and what He said to her.  She would simply say to her boys (who were not living lives for the Lord at the time), “You’ll get it.  You’ll be saved one day.” and go back to her bible study, or baking, or whatever it is she was doing at the time.  She believed!  It was almost so matter of fact for her.

OH, to be so matter of fact with the things Jesus says, not to make light of them, but to KNOW so well that they are true.  I think sometimes we make such a big deal out of it.  Like its this thing that if we mess up, we’re going to be struck by a bolt of lightning and shunned to the dark corner of heaven when we get there. Cause we know that we are still going to heaven, but there will be a “special” place for those of us who tried, but failed.  That is laughable!!!  Bottom line, Jesus said it…it’s true!

Lord I believe…help my unbelief.

So, what areas of my life am not fully surrendered?  Where have I behaved more on the side of unbelief?  And Lord, help me base my belief on WHO you are and not what I believe about myself!

Go!  Believe! And do Big things for the Lord!

(And stay tuned…I hope to write more on the way our beliefs of and about God and ourselves impact our lives.)

Believe…part one

When did I stop believing?

That is a question I asked myself as I was driving the other day.  These days my mind is filled much more with insurance quotes and coverages than the latest acts of God’s Glory around me.  About 5 months ago I transitioned into a full-time job with a friend, in his business as an insurance agent.  I went as far as getting licensed to sell property and casualty insurance in Ohio!!  This is one of those, “never I thought in a million years would I do that.” kind-of-things.

You see, you don’t know what you don’t know.  Five years ago, I didn’t know I would be in a position to “need” another job.  My calling in full-time ministry was set.  I was secure.  And life was good!

Fast forward to last year.  Our church (the one where I held a staff position for about 10 years) was down in numbers.  Directly affected, giving was down.  We were at a cross-roads.  Do we continue as we are, or do we shut our doors and … ???  [insert unknown scary soundtrack here]

BUT GOD…

But God had other plans, as He always does!  Our congregation is in the process of “marrying” another local congregation.  We are merging two congregations and asking God what He wants to make this new thing that will come out of it.  (Please know that this was not just a whim decision.  The head leaders and leadership teams of both congregations spent countless hours in prayer over this decision.  One of this magnitude does not happen over night)  There could be a WHOLE other blog post or two or three or more about the merging of these two congregations.  But not today.  That is for another day!

BUT GOD…

God had other plans for our church, thus He had other plans for me.  When I think about it, my plans were really the “other” plans!  Anyway, so here I find myself, in a place that is so foreign to me that its hard to think some days.  Its like I am a missionary who has been placed in a new country with no language training.  I feel like at this point I’m at about an insurance 100 level, about to take 101.  I know more now about insurance than I ever cared to know…but its good that I do, since its what I do.

What I do…

What I do has changed.  Yes, my day-to-day is much different than it was before.  I don’t have the freedom of schedule as I had when I worked for the church.  I went from being a work at home/stay at home mom to – I have to be in the office from 9-5 everyday.  I am not as available for my husband and my son, as I used to be. (as I’d like to be)  Its all part of the changes I’ve gone through.  Adjustments.  Adaptations. Changes.  My pastor always says,  “All change is perceived as loss, and usually followed by anger.”  Yup, been there!

What has not changed…

My calling.  I am still and forever will be (as long as I chose to walk in it) called to ministry.  My expression of that ministry will be different in different seasons of life.  In this season, ministry happens when my boss and I break down and have spiritual conversations (which honestly happen quite regularly).  Or when we have the opportunity to pray for a client.  Or when someone calls in a panic and I am able to calm them down.  Even in the processing of bills quickly and without hassle can help brighten someone’s day.  I am still called to lead people closer to the KINGDOM OF GOD!  No matter where I am, that’s what I do.

I may still have opportunity to preach someday.  I know through writing, someone is encouraged.  I know speaking truth, whether in the blog, on the phone in the office, or from the pulpit, its all Glory to God!  I had to have my own “come to Jesus moment” [again] when I realized that this job is the place I am now.  I don’t know how long, I don’t know if I will ever be paid staff of a church again.  But I do know that my position I hold only moves me forward to what God has called me to.  It does not take away from or remove what He has said over me in the past.  He reminds me all the time, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” And I am learning to BELIEVE more in the gifts He’s given me and that authority that I have in Him.

Has the Lord told you something that you are questioning in this season of your life?  Rest assured, if the Lord said it…it is!  Take hold of it and pray it in!  My returning to writing is one way I am doing just that.  I may not be teaching a bible study, or preaching a sermon on the regular anymore…but the Lord showed me that I am a teacher of his  Word and that I can practice that…sitting in an insurance office!  How can you exercise what the Lord has given you to sharpen your skills for the Kingdom?  Ask him, He’ll show you.  And know that your calling, your destiny, isn’t over because of a life change.  He may just be putting the “other” plan in place.

Belief to Legacy

Last evening I attended a “Celebration of Life” service.  I have been to these before, where the family really wants to celebrate the life the person lived rather than their passing onto the next life.  Last night…it was both!

You see this women who passed left a legacy and they knew when she passed, she passed into Glory, easily without complication and full of peace.  She was the wife of one man, mother of four boys, grandmother to 15-ish grandkids, and great-grandma to 3 or 4 more!  And EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM are Christ-followers today!

She was saved in the 70’s when her two oldest were about 11 and 9.  Last night, they shared how they remembered mom before Christ.  They also shared how they remembered mom after she met the Lord and “oh, what a difference!”  Once saved, she set out to pray for her family to have eyes open to the power of the Lord as well.  She was fervent in prayer.  She was part of a group of women who gathered together to do one thing…pray.  And pray they did.  They prayed for each other and their families for years!

Her faith grew as she began to see that the Lord answers her prayers.  She had so much confidence in the Lord that she knew 1. He HEARD her prayers and 2. He was going to answer them!

Last night I heard testimony after testimony of the Life of God this woman lived.  Her family AND all her family touches are part of the legacy that she leaves.  There is a ripple effect from her life that started with one woman giving her life to the Lord and then simply trusting and believe HIM for the rest!

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us”

She did just that.  Laid aside every weight and sin (giving them to the Lord) and ran the race set before her well.

I imagine that when she transitioned from this life to the next, Jesus was waiting for her, took hold of her hand and said, “well done, good and faithful servant!”  And then He began to show her all that was accomplished in the Kingdom, in Jesus name, simply because she believed what God said! (Mark 9:23 – All things are possible to him who believes).  And I believe now she knows of those things that have even rippled out several generations, things that have not come to pass on earth yet.

Her simple belief in the truth of Jesus, led to a huge legacy.  A legacy that is being carried on by that one husband, four boys (and their wives), and the multitude of grand children and great-grandchildren.

Blessed is the man who fears the Lord,
Who delights greatly in His commandments.

 His descendants will be mighty on earth;
The generation of the upright will be blessed.

Her descendants WILL BE mighty…because of her faith, belief, and delight in the Lord!