So today is little man’s first actual day of pre-school. He had an orientation day Tuesday and today was THE DAY…the first drop off! I say that and my mind goes to Finding Nemo and the dreaded drop off…this was different, although still a bit dreaded.
I had geared him up for today. Told him I’d take him in and get him settled then I’d have to leave. He was ready. He knew that was the deal for today. He knew…but in the midst of all the preparations for him, I forgot to tell my heart somehow. It was like a huge rock smacked me in the chest and knocked the wind out of it.
Once we got there, mind you at this point he is running circles around me in excitement, I was fine. I was excited too…for him. We got into the classroom, to which he almost knocked down a few people to get into, and there we were. A group of kids with their parents kinda all milling around wondering who was gonna leave first. The first to leave was a dad. “Ok, buddy, I gotta go. Give me a fist bump.” BUMP. And he was out the door. A few others followed suit. One mom said her good byes and her little boy cried and the teacher swooped in to save him. Another said good-bye and that little one cried a bit then talked one more time to mom standing in the doorway, sniffed up his tears and started playing play-doh in the corner (still a bit sad to say good-bye).
As I watched all this unfold, I’m standing not 5 feet from little man thinking, “ok, how’s this gonna go?” All the while holding back tears. I said to him, “ok Bud, mommy’s gonna go now.” “Not yet mommy.” “Ok, Bud…two minutes” We’ve developed this routine that if he’s not ready for something [or in an effort to warn him whats next] to give time warnings. So after two minutes I bent down, fighting back that big ball of emotion welling up in the my throat and said, “ok, its time. I’m gonna go.” The little look on his face was like ok, mom…I’ll be ok, but I’m still nervous. I hugged and kissed him. Said good-bye he sheepishly said good-bye and went back to his trains. I left the room, looking back a couple times…he never batted an eyelash to even look up. He was just fine! I was a mess!! Tears began to roll even before I got out of the building.
I watched other moms leave and get into their cars after dropping off with tears in their eyes. No one tells you that this little being that has been with you everyday for the last three years has left such a big mark on you until you have to let them be themselves, away from you. OH MY HEART! I’m still crying, writing this and its been an hour. HA! HA! I guess its the beginning of drop offs for this little one and this momma. I might as well get used to it or at least carry kleenex with me from now on. HA!
So after re-reading my last post (4 months ago…sorry), re-learning…I’m finding that I haven’t learned a whole lot. 😦
I kinda feel like I’m still in that space. Its kind of an empty space. Learning is at a premium and blank space is taking over. There are a few things that have happened that have taught me a few things, but mostly just the hum drum of the everyday.
Isn’t there more to this life? Doesn’t God have greater things in store? Are we headed toward something great? Or is this ALL life has to offer?
I’m stuck there…in those questions. That is the season I’m in. I’m not seeing so much pointing me forward. I’m not seeing so much pushing me through. What I am seeing is just white, blank, blah!
Jesus said, “If you abide in My word, you are My disciples indeed. And you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” So in the midst of this whiteness, this blankness, this white noise around me, I ask, “what is the truth of it all?”
Truth is…I am His. Truth is…He is mine. (SS. 6:3) Truth is…I am made for a plan and a purpose. (Jer. 29:11) Truth is…He has more for me then I can think or imagine. (Eph 3:20) Truth is…I am His favorite. (Ps 30:7) Truth is…He see me. Truth is…He is with me. (Heb. 13:5) Truth is…He’s not done with me yet. (1 Chron. 28:20) Truth is…He is so in love with me. (John 3: 16) Truth is…there IS MORE, there is always MORE in Him. Truth is…He is!!! (Ex. 3:14)
I could have spent this time writing about all the everyday activities that fill my life. The dull whiteness of the everyday. The things that make me question, is there more then this? But…
The truth is where I put my trust, because the truth is full of color, not void of it. The truth is where my hope is. The truth tells a story far beyond anything I can write. Better than I could script for myself. God, you are the truth and You have set me free!
Now is about re-learning contentedness. I debated naming this post “contentedness” however I feel like there are other “re-learning” things happening right now too.
This season (since the first of the year), has been one of expanding. Expanding my heart, my vision, and my circumstances. In that I’m reminded of the Prayer of Jabez, his cry for an expansion of his territory. Another reoccurring theme is that of new wine skins. In order to contain the new, greater, bigger territory, we must expand and grow.
This expansion, this growth takes pain. Jabez’s prayer included the request that God be with him and keep him safe so that he would be free from pain. Unfortunately the presence of the Lord isn’t a guarantee that we will be pain free. However the Presence of the Lord is a promise that He will be with us, and that He will see us through!
So, while I’m seeking and asking the Lord for more, for growth, for some of my prophetic promises; I’m remembering that with that comes pain and hard circumstances. But the good news…all this re-learning will lead to greater things!
So another friend announced her pregnancy this weekend. And I am…ok. I find myself knowing that my story is not their story, yet still not in a place where I can be totally excited for them.
I hate that…
I want to be happy and joyful for this new life that has been created. And it seems like everywhere I look, there are babies. Even as I sit here at church, in a teaching, the illustrations are based on a baby.
I guess this season (like the infertility season before it) is one of waiting & resting. Its one of learning to be content in what I have. A great quote I found on FB recently says,
“Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” – John Piper
So I trust and embrace…Lord, teach me to embrace better.
Genesis 1:28, “God blessed them (man) and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it…””
So what happens when there is a break in the “increase?” You do what you were made to do and the increase doesn’t happen? This is a command of the Lord. Not a well, if you want to, if it pleases you to do so, or if you happen to get around it. No. He didn’t leave it up to discussion…he said, “do it!” Increase.
So, I have to believe that if God commanded it, that God will (in His faithfulness and everything I know of Him) bring the increase. I will know what it is to carry a child inside again. Let Him who is faithful fulfill all your needs. (I just heard Papa God whisper)
Today started like any other day. I got up, I read my daily office and prayed to the Lord. My son woke up and we snuggled in front of the TV, as we do most mornings. My mom showed up to watch the little man and I headed upstairs to the office to start working. No sooner then I sat down that I was flooded with emotions and struggle of the infertility. I’d been doing ok with it lately. (lie: last cycle was a roller coaster. Ok, so I’ve been ok for the last two weeks.) And then the flood of the “what if never’s” and the “why’s” hit me. I held back tears for several hours as I worked away.
Its a fight. A fight for the peace that God gave me and since He gave it…no one can take it away. I fight for my faith, that on days like today when I need strengthening. I fight to ward of the depression of thinking that maybe my baby-making days are over. I fight for the life that will come forth from me again!!!!
He who is faithful began a good work and He that is faithful will complete it!!! And then I remember my last post (oh so many months ago). Clarity. I read it. And I am back there. I use my own words to fight the fight I have to battle today. Because in them are life. In them are truth. And in them is the peace and confidence of knowing a Lord who’s promises are Yes and Amen in him! And we all need those, everyday!
I don’t have total clarity of mind, but I do have clarity of heart. I’ve come to a place that God has me content. He taken us through several ups and downs since the birth of our son. Its been two years! He’s no longer a little baby, he’s not even just beginning to walk. He’s a full-flegded toddler. Running, climbing, throwing, racing, and jumping everywhere! My mommy heart is so full! I do see another little one in my future, and my “I don’t want more” husband, well, he’s seeing that another one may be part of our crazy little life we’ve created too!
The difference between last time and this time…we are different people. The desire for a child consumed us (me). This time, I’m content and at peace with our little family. Before, I’d go through any length (and I did) for a baby. This time – we wait (and practice) on God to gift us. As a mommy, my heart doesn’t ache to hold a newborn (I have plenty of opportunities with my friends’ newborns). My heart does ache to live fully for God. My heart does ache to love each one, little or big, that I’m given charge of. My heart is clear of the overwhelming desire to conceive, all the while knowing the emptiness that is found in that place. My infertility struggle hasn’t changed. “Medically” we are facing the same issuses as we had before. The difference – the Peace that passes understanding!
Sarah was barren. She was a barren 90 year old women. She offered her maidservant to her husband to “fix” the problem. Her barrenness was the scar she carried into her 90’s. I’m sure she felt worthless, hopeless, and helpless for alot of those 90 years. BUT, with her faith in God – she also felt WORTH IT, HOPEFUL, and HELPABLE!! Its the stance we can take on any circumstance in our life. Are we living in the pit of despair because its not looking like what we thought? OR are we living in the light of the TRUTH? The truth that what God promises He is faithful to fullfill! That’s where I am living these days. He’s shown me a picture of what my future holds. He’s shown me two things that make my heart sing. Two things that He will do, in His time, in His way. How freeing it is to believe Him!!
Yes so its been awhile since I’ve been here. In the world of pregnancy, no news is good news. Everything is progressing very well. I’m well into my 2nd trimester, morning sickness is a distant memory. Pretty much all of the negative symptoms of early pregnancy are a distant memory. Aside from the occassional constipation, stuffy nose, and tiredness my life is more normal again, besides the human I have growing in my belly.
A couple weeks ago we confirmed that its a boy! I say confirmed b/c we’d had several prophetic words to indicate a boy. I felt boy, and many others told us the same thing. So we are now just patiently waiting and preparing for our little man’s arrival day! Its a day that is gonna be so great!
In the mean time, we are trying to get ready what we can. We’ll be doing our registry this week. Its really overwhelming the amount of stuff that is needed for a little one. I think we are doing good with the stress of it all, just leaning on our provider God to see us through. This little one is His gift to us and we know He will not let him go without!